Devouring Edward
by Belts
Summary: Bella has a secret fetish for whipped cream. What does Edward do when he finds out? Well ...
1. Chapter 1

Devouring Edward

Edward had been missing Bella terribly, for he hadn't seen her since he went out hunting delicious mountain lions. Almost silently, he parked the sleek silver Volvo in her driveway and was instantly at the front window. He smiled to himself. Finally, he would know what Bella did, whilst not with him.

Edward edged closer to the windowsill, careful not to make any noise, and peered past the curtains into the kitchen. He was quite shocked at what he saw.

Bella was standing by the pantry, holding a can of whipped cream, spraying it directly into her wide open mouth.

Edward's jaw dropped. How did Bella stay so slim?

Perhaps she used one of those tummy-jiggling devices that young people liked to use these days. Edward shuddered at the thought of those infomercials involving many close-ups of obese stomachs wobbling furiously.

Suddenly, Bella began to mutter to herself and Edward was pulled out of his reverie.

"It's like an orgasm in my mouth …" she murmured through a mouth full of cream.

Edward couldn't help himself – he gasped loudly. Bella spun around, but Edward ducked out of her sight.

"Who's there?" she mumbled through the cream.

Holding back a grin, Edward snuck away from the window and back to his car. He jumped into the driver's seat and collapsed over the steering wheel in laughter.

It was then that an idea struck Edward right on his nose.

Bella like whipped cream. It turned her on.

She also liked Edward. He turned her on.

Edward put two and two together and felt a smile creep over his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward moved faster than the Enterprise from Star Trek on one of its missions. As soon as he reached the beautiful house of the Cullens', he pushed the door open with such force that it was ripped off its hinges. Esme stood near by with obvious alarm.

"Edward, what's –" she started, but Edward cut her off.

"Captain's log, star date one two three four five, Bella has turned me on once again and I must satisfy my needs," he muttered.

He raced upstairs, leaving Esme standing there, mouth open, flabbergasted.

Edward burst into his room and in one second had changed into a pair of tight Speedo's that left nothing to the imagination.

He ran to his bed and looked under the pillow. Sure enough, there were the ten cans of whipped cream Alice had strategically placed there in advance.

Laughing maniacally, Edward lathered himself in the cream until he was completely covered from head to toe and situated himself on his bed in a provocative position.

The door suddenly opened. Emmett walked in, took one glance at Edward and swiftly walked back out.

Scowling at the intrusion, Edward picked up his phone and dialled Bella's number.

Little did he know that Jacob was hiding in Edward's wardrobe, watching the whole affair.

"Oh, Bel-la …" Edward cooed into the phone, once his love had picked up.

"Yes, my love?" Bella replied, her mouth obviously still filled with cream.

"Prepare yourself," Edward paused, smiling to himself again. "For the most delicious night of your life."

"Does it involve Splitz ice-cream? God, Edward, can you buy me some? Also can you get me a pizza? And, ooh, some Willy Wonka delectables!"

Bella continued to list many other foods whilst Edward's mind wandered around aimlessly, picturing what was about to happen.

"Edward? EDWARD!" Bella yelled, so loudly that Edward almost became deaf.

"Huh?"

"Edward, what did you mean by the yummiest night?"

"You'll see," Edward replied in a seductive tone. "See you in approximately ten minutes. Meet me in my bed. You won't be needing any eating utensils … except for your tongue."

"Oh, Edward!" Bella giggled. "I'll be there momentarily."

"Okay, my love."

Edward hung up the phone and sighed. He yawned and turned away from the door, closing his eyes in anticipation of his kinky afternoon.

Without any warning, Edward found himself kicked off the bed by a fuming Jacob.

"Take off your clothes," Jacob growled.

Edward looked down at his Speedo's and gulped. Jacob growled again, so Edward quickly disrobed.

"Good!" Jacob said. He then proceeded to throw Edward out the window.

Jacob quickly donned the Speedo's and took Edward's place on the bed, lathering himself in cream. He grinned, and prepared himself for the best night of his life.

* * *

"Edward, I'm coming!" Bella giggled as she stood outside Edward's bedroom door. She pushed it open quietly, and when she saw her true love lying nearly naked on their bed, covered in cream, she gasped in arousal.

She unexpectedly pounced upon him, licking every part of his body furiously.

"Edward," she moaned. "I can't believe you did all this for me, it's just so good of you … oh, you taste so GOOD!"

She seductively ran her tongue down his stomach, below his navel, lower and lower …

"Oh, God, Bella, that feels good," Edward growled in a husky voice.

Bella momentarily paused, confused. Edward didn't usually growl in a husky voice. She shrugged and continued her journey downwards.

"Ooh," Edward let his breath escape into a moan, in obvious orgasmic pleasure.

Bella got bored with what she was doing, so produced her index finger. With this, she began making patterns and swirls on Edward's chest, then licked her finger in delight.

"Oh, Edward, why didn't you think of this before? This is so much fun!" Bella squealed.

She dived in, crashing her lips onto his creamy mouth – at least, she hoped it was his mouth.

After many minutes of this, Bella drew back, waiting for her breath to return.

A scream of agony pierced the air. The noise was coming from outside.

"What the pluck was that?" Bella cried out in surprise.

"Erm, nothing …" the husky voice replied.

"Edward, what is wrong with your voice today?" Bella demanded.

"Err, nothing … my voice is always like this, Bells."

Bella froze. Edward NEVER called her Bells! She was not some jingly device used on Santa's sleigh! Her eyes widened.

"Who are you?" she shrieked, pushing the cream-clad, unidentifiable body away from her.

"IT'S JACOB!" a voice screamed from outside the window.

Bella ran over and undid the latch, pulling it open to discover that the real Edward had scaled the wall to his window.

It didn't escape Bella's notice that Edward was very naked.

Her jaw dropped. "Edward! What – how?"

Edward scowled and swung himself into his room, hurriedly grabbing a stuffed animal to cover himself.

Jacob giggled.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" Edward roared at Jacob, who had wiped the cream off his face to make his identity apparent, now that the cat – or in this case, the dog – was out of the bag.

Jacob hung his head and muttered something unintelligible.

"How dare you?" Bella whispered, tears running down her cheeks. "How dare you even TRY to apologise to me, Jacob Black? You used me! You fooled me into believing you were Edward just so that you could get a little touch!"

Bella collapsed into Edward's arms, sobbing. Edward cradled Bella to his chest, causing the stuffed animal to fall to the ground. Edward found that he no longer cared.

"Jacob," Edward growled in a cold, deadly voice. "You'll get the fuck out of my house right now, and you will never touch MY Bella again. Got it, pup?"

Jacob gulped and nodded. "Yes, sir!" he squeaked nervously.

Edward lifted his leg and kicked Jacob right in the gut, giving the werewolf an unpleasant (or, for Jacob, very pleasant) view momentarily before he flew out the window.

They heard him hit the ground with a painful-sounding crunch.

Bella turned to Edward and looked up at him with a tear-stained face.

"I'm so, so, sorry, Edward," she whispered.

"No, my love," Edward said, brushing Bella's hair behind her ear. He kissed her softly on the lips and subtly tried to pick up the stuffed animal at the same time. "It's not your fault. I still love you."

"I'm still sorry," Bella said regretfully. "Is there anything I can do the make it up to you?"

"Well, actually …" Edward said, stroking his chin.

Bella was obviously thinking the same thing.


	3. Chapter 3

_Doo, do do doo, do do doo … dododododo doo doo doo d-d-d-doo …_

The opening credits theme song reached Bella's ears and she sighed in content.

Large words appeared across the screen and Bella moaned … she was in ecstasy.

Edward sat beside her, also in obvious delight.

"I'm so excited!" he squeaked.

"Indeed," Bella replied.

Edward had his arms all over her, waiting. They were watching Star Trek … naked.

Bella had insisted that Edward remove the stuffed animal, and he had insisted that she take her clothes off.

Star Trek, it turned out, was as much as a turn on for Bella as whipped cream. Edward and Bella had gone even further than that …

"Pass me the bowl of whipped cream, please," Bella asked, nudging Edward and licking her lips.

* * *

"I love you," Bella said to Edward, snuggling up to him and sighing contentedly as the end credits rolled.

"I love you too, Bella," Edward murmured, kissing the top of her head and smiling.

Bella and Edward were happy.

* * *

Nearby, Jacob was still outside, but he couldn't move, for he had gotten too fat – past obese, even.

All that cream … Jacob vomited, but he was too fat to move into the recovery position. He started choking.

Jacob coughed and spluttered furiously, the vomit leaking down throat and out his nose.

Jacob knew that he would never take another breath. His head started swimming as he saw images of his life flash before his eyes.

Then, he died.

The next morning, when Esme went out to do some gardening, she found the corpse of Jacob lying on the ground. She set it on fire. No one ever spoke of the werewolf again.

**EPILOGUE**

_**Jacob POV**_

My spirit left my body and I felt a soaring sensation.

"I'm dead," I thought … but I didn't feel peaceful.

Mist swirled around me and my vision was blurred. It felt like all eternity until the mist cleared. A burst of images consumed me, whizzing by me.

I could see the world.

The past, present, and future.

I shuddered as I saw Edward and Bella's past.

"Lick my love pump!" Edward told Bella. Bella obeyed.

My mind screamed furiously. I was appalled. I was DISGUSTED.

I spent many days watching over the couple, and exploring Edward's past.

As I found out about Edward's parents, I laughed maniacally. Or so I would have, if I wasn't dead.

I knew I was in hell, because I was destined to watch over everyone I cared about … including Bella and Edward … for all eternity.

I cringed at the thought and drowned in my sorrows.

I had died, once again.

I would never rest in peace.

**THE END**

**A/N: Yes, it's over and it was foul. Review it or you will suffer the same fate as Jacob - choking on your vomit. Also, check out my profile page - there's an awesome link for you there.**

**Sincerely, Erickkkk.**


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